It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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