I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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