This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
