I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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