And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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