matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
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