i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
