Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
