I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
