I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
sarcasm needs its own font
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
