I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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