It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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