I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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