genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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