Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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