I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
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