We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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