if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Randomize
