6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
