she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
