btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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