Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Randomize