I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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