I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
God, I missed his penis.
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