idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Randomize
