Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
