Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Randomize
