Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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