I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
