I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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