Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
