considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
