Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
