His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I wish I only lived at night.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
