Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
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