oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.