I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize