nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
