pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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