Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
