guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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