it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
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He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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