i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Randomize
