I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
