If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
