I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
