I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
