BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
