just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
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