So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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