Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
