I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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