hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
When are your genitals available?
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
