Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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