watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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