Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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