Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
